were you always this lonely?
Which is harder for you to swallow, the compliments or the carbs?
You didn’t believe them when they told you you were beautiful, did you?
You have bad memory, but you remember the song that was fading through the radio the day your father left, don’t you?
And how the ache only gets sharper
How the ache, only gets more painful when you hear it in a food-court the one day you’re not feeling sad
How the weeping guitar string melody seeps through the car speakers in the taxi late at night and sits beside you
tugging at your sleeve and the heart you wear there
But you still tip the Pakistani driver $20 more, don’t you?
Because it’s easier than saying ”Tashakor habibi, but you’ve made a mistake. You have the wrong address.
The only home I’ve ever known is the one I built inside of myself. Can you take me with you?”
How you hear it in your favorite department store
Your feet they, they involuntarily move you to the mens section
Your arms you, cradle crisp white collared shirts and dress pants in them
His signature look
You try them on making sure your back is to the mirror
To the raw-boned and frail girl with wet eyes
He taught you that, remember?
Do you still regret Hamza?
Isaac trailed hot kissed down your spine
he breathed your own poems into the hollow cave of your mouth
You held your breath
And how he whispered, ”I’ve always had a terrible weakness for beautiful and sad things.” in your ear
But you were too drunk so you don’t remember, do you?
Did you ever have to delete the numbers of dead relatives and friends from your phone?
Why did you cry when you caught your little sister standing sideways infront of the mirror sucking in her stomach?
Your mama’s ivory skin was your favorite naked canvas, so you only know how to paint in colors you found on her skin, right?
Are you still dating older men with a bears frame in hopes they will hold you the way he never did?
You still don’t believe them when they tell you you are beautiful, do you?
Ink stains are always found on your finger tips
Why did you let Aziz unzip your dress on the first date?
I bet you wait until 3:17am to let the tears fall
Am I close?
You visit your brother
The glass that separates him from you
You close your eyes and pray an earthquake would erupt only to shatter it into a million peaceful pieces
The strain from smiling and suppressing the tears
You pick at your nails until you draw blood
Eyes chained and shackled to your lap
You were always too scared to look him in the eyes you knew were filled
You’d hum that song under your breathe to drown out the wetness of his voice
Does it all hurt?
The waking up and rummaging in your drawer for a clean shirt
and a smile
The act of convincing the world that you are okay
But you were always good at accepting apologies you never recieved, weren’t you?
You are beautiful
You are just starting to realize this aren’t you?
Doesn’t it steal your breath away?